In another life

My best friend says I have made this blog a pity party. Maybe because there have been so many rants and enough venting. But that’s the whole point, no? Having a safe place to let it all out? Enough with that… I have been getting by alright. I hope you have too :-)

So today, I’ll do something different. You know how sometimes in life you wish you were something different so you could influence things towards a certain direction? This post is about that. There’s this question that’s asked in almost all managerial interviews; if you were an animal, what would you be and why? Now since you've probably thought of that, I came up with these 10 random things in life that I would be if asked to choose. 

If I were a room in the house, I’d be the bathroom. For me, they are the perfect place to reflect. It’s the place we rush to when tired, annoyed, when feeling heavy and need a quick way to relax and just be calm. It’s the one place you would never leave the house without visiting. That morning when I have no idea of what to wear, I figure out an outfit while in the shower. A bathroom is a place where people can offload that extra baggage they have in them and leave feeling refreshed and ready to face the day.

If I were a time of day, I’d be evening. Whether you've had a good day or a bad day, we all look forward to the end of the day. When the sun sets, night falls and you get to be with family (or whoever you go home to) and unwind from all the pressure, deadlines and harsh realities from work or school. Evenings are the best time to go for a walk or a run especially for people like me, who don't like waking up early. My heart rests and I don't like worrying about the next day.

If I were a day of the week, I’d be Sunday. I love the calmness and easiness that come with this day. It’s the day I get to stay indoors with a good series or book and enjoy my own company. It’s the day I get to stay home in an over-sized tee and baggy pants. I rarely leave the house on a Sunday, unless it is important.

If I were a month, I’d be January. I love new beginnings; clean slates, opportunities to put the past behind and start all over again; to right the wrongs, make resolutions and eventually break them. I love the hope and determination that comes with beginning a new year.

If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be a bed. It’s the one thing I look forward to most towards the end of the day especially if it was a long one. Even after a good day. It keeps me warm & is my zone of comfort. We have a bond. Share secrets. Our relationship is intimate and I never want to leave her in the mornings.

If I were a colour, I’d be Yellow. This happens to be my favourite colour. I find it optimistic and cheerful. It is the colour that has to be in my wedding and the living room of my home. It is warm and beautiful. It is the colour of the sun. It complements nature. Oh yellow!

If I were a body part, I’d be the eyes because there is so much beauty to see.

If I were a flower I’d be a rose. It teaches us to handle life. Enjoy the view, take in the pleasant aromas but handle with care.  Because of its thorns, it reminds me of the true reality of life; that it comes with the good and bad, the ugly and the beautiful.

If I were a place, I’d be a home. There is no place like home; the love, the peace, the serenity, the togetherness, the laughter, the food, the comfort, the freedom, the acceptance. It is the one place that I am always looking forward to going.

If I were a story, I’d be a story of faith; because my life has been about the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not yet seen.

HAPPY NEW MONTH darlings!

Of friends & fall outs

Why do people grow apart? Ever had a group of friends at a stage in life, like in school, or in your estate, with someone whom you were so close there was nothing you used to do without one another? And you thought it would be like that for the rest of your lives? But as you got older and people's paths started to diverge you realized it was really just the geography holding you together? That apparently, even the strongest of friendships don't survive silence? And everything else in your life became invariably more important that these friends, so that you only noticed they were no longer around on that odd Saturday morning when you'd woken up a little too early and had nothing to do but stare at the roof and reminisce about the good old times?

As it happens, I fear that may be happening to me in my circles. There are people I literally grew up with; I haven’t spoken to this year. It’s nothing personal really because if we were to bump into each other on the streets, we’d talk and talk about everything we've missed. But that need to look for each other is not there. I have been a little busy lately and I like spending my weekends at home, by myself. So when the girls call for a night out or whatever as long as it involves dressing up and leaving the house, I think twice. Unless it had been planned earlier and I just can’t bail, you know.

Thing is, I have seen a lot of nonsense over the years in friendships and I tend to push people away especially when am not okay. I have a good number of friends that I love, but haven’t talked to in a while. I haven’t seen my best friend in more than a year, (since she went to the states). But we talk enough. She’s my ride or die. Despite the distance, that woman has been there for me in un-imaginable ways. She knows what’s going on in my life every time and she does it so effortlessly, it moves me. The eight years of this friendship have been bumpy, but after every trial, it just keeps getting better.

When someone goes to your wall after five years and writes how it's been forever and how are you doing these days, what are you supposed to answer if that person wasn't just an acquaintance? I usually tell myself if they were really close they wouldn't have to ask that, and then I realize I don't know them that well any more and the whole stones and people living in glass houses thing kicks in, so I just say, "Good, it's been great.  Just school, you know... You?" and she says "Same here," and the countdown begins again for the next five-year interval when we'll check up on each other.

Nothing about the lost grandmother, nothing about the recent burglary that left you at square zero, nothing about the decision to go back to school, nothing about finding a new house and moving in, or the break up that obliterated you for a while, or the new baby... we never actually go into all these specifics.  All that stuff is just supposed to be covered by the single perfunctory line, "I'm good." Which, if you think about it, is true in a way, because I mean, we're alive and healthy, it could always get worse.

I recently met with some old friends. Looking back I could tell the level of association had changed. No one wanted to know serious things about the other. It was just all on the surface.  You want to show interest because it's been a while and you feel you're supposed to, but not enough that we'll actually talk about things that matter; or something that will require input from me, you know. The rest was all just making fun which used to be a thing we did but it seems to be what everyone does best these days. It's safe. And when it's all over we hug goodbye and go under again till the next time we'll run into each other on the streets, probably next year. And later you sit and you ask yourself what new things have I really learned about these people today and you find that you've got nothing. As it happens, you're no longer one another's rocks like you used to be. Everyone went ahead and they moved on. People go through stages and they grow and they change and the world still goes round, so you realize that maybe you should also do the same.

We seem to have gotten this growing apart thing down to such fine art we don't even have to talk about it or synchronize any more, it just happens. And it affects nothing else in our lives.

Happiness

You want to know what happiness is? It’s waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. You turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state. They breathe as though the weight of the world lays on anyone’s shoulder but their own. You smile, kiss their face in the most gentle manner so as not to wake them. You turn back around and an involuntary grin forms on your own face. You feel an arm wrap around your waist, and you know it doesn't get any better than this.

I wrote this piece two years ago. How blind and naive can a person be? Really? Am not saying this because am angry or at some point hope things turned out differently. But seriously, do you see how disillusioned I was? You see why I said I needed this? Because now I know better. I see things from a different perspective. I know there's more to life than just love. 

Here's what I think, your happiness should not be dependant on your partner. Because happiness comes from within you. You do not need each other to be truly happy, complete or emotionally whole. Truth is, my heart aches from a lost love. I get sad and miserable when I think about it but I am happy. 

Sounds contradictory, I know but let me make you understand. First, I left the relationship for the right reasons. I know I deserve better and he wasn't committed or rather there was no assurance. I wanted it to dawn on him we were in trouble and a few changes needed to be made. The moment he said nothing and left, I knew I made the right decision. I believe if he wanted me, us to work. He would have fought with all he got because that's what you do for someone you love.

Second, I feel like there were too many things between us. There was always something keeping us apart. If its not the sport, then something is going on back at home or a friend did or said something. You feel me? There was a time it was just us. Whenever he had baggage, we would deal with it. Then he started pushing me away. Keeping things from me in the name of "i don't want you to worry about me". I was okay with this until the communication turned from daily random texts and calls to that mandatory text in the evening of how was your day to once in two days "Hey, how are you? " "Good, you?" "Good too" then silence, to goodnight. There was a time he didn't communicate in a week. I know I should have reached out but it felt like he had too much going on, I didn't want to suffocate him. All this time, he was all I could think about. I was worried for the relationship and I prayed for him more than I did for myself.

Third, I know when someone wants to be in your life, they make a deliberate effort to be in it. If you are unhappy and feel like you are doing all the work, something ain't right. Relationships are a two way traffic and everyone should put in work. I felt like I was getting less than I deserve so I left. Leaving was the hardest decision but I know it was the right one. Because if it was a wrong one, he would have fought for me, confronted me to make it right and done those little things that made me feel insecure and insignificant.

Despite all this, I am happy. Happy because I am in good health and my life is right. I am pleased with myself so far and where am heading. I have few incredible friends and my family to help get by. Besides, I know there are a few people out there who would give the world for my happiness. This weekend was the best I had in a while. Nothing special, my brothers were home and I was happy. I laughed my heart out. My mother told me am still very young to lose myself over love. I know she's right but it will take me sometime. But then again, he who loses faith loses everything. So, if it is meant to be, it will be. If not, it is well.

Of love & misery

Has there been one thing you thought you loved with all your heart? Something you thought you couldn’t live without? Something you thought you’d do absolutely anything to keep? Did you keep it? Did it cost you everything to keep it? Was it a person? Did they feel the same way? Did they fight? Was it just you? Was it worth it?

My story’s not over yet, it’s still being written. I should write a book. Yes? Not for sale, just to find closure. Writing my thoughts, emotions, and feelings does it for me. Maybe then, things will be easier. Maybe in the process things may turn around and my misery will turn to bliss. Oh well…

I am emotionally drained. In that I think I have reached the peak of just how unhappy I should be allowed to get this year. Even a new pair of shoes doesn’t help anymore.

Not too long ago. I thought I had someone in my life that defined me. That made me who I was. I don’t know if I still do. Thing is, the limbo is eating me up inside. I’m up at 4am writing this on a weeknight. And, my heart aches. Every time I think about it, I get teary. I keep fighting but I can’t help this feeling.

Sometimes I cry. I cry because I feel I have no control. I feel like the choice isn’t mine. Like everything is in someone else’s hands and I am just an unwilling participant. Like I know what I want but I also know am not going to get it no matter what I do. I cry when am angry. I cry when I sense oppression from forces I can’t control. But even more, I cry because I am a good person stuck in an adverse situation. I feel like I don’t deserve what’s happening to me.

I have always been able to lash out and express myself whenever am dissatisfied with anything. I have been comforting in the thought that, at least I tried. It’s taken me a minute to get here, but I guess these are things that come with love. I’ve recently been through one of those moments, when you wish you never born, or were born under different circumstances, or life took a different direction. In that moment, I feel like there’s more on my shoulders than they can bear.

The worst thing is, I don’t know that I did everything I could to keep them. My heart knows so but my mind keeps wondering. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. I should have probably held on a little longer. But I was drowning. I couldn’t keep up longer. Maybe I gave up for a reason that’s unjustifiable. But when I put it all on the table, nothing changed. Nothing was done to save us. Nothing was said.

I’ve been reliving those moments over and over again. A lot of things could have been done differently. Had he put in just a little effort, I think this could have gone a completely different way. I think we I wouldn’t be here right now. But I think it wouldn’t have been real. I wouldn’t have been complete. In some weird twisted way, I needed this. Now I know not to go all in with something. No matter how beautiful. I need to leave some for myself to go back to when it shutters.

I know relationships are supposed to be work, but exactly how much work is too much work? Anyway, like they say: when you go away for a short time, and you come back, and your person tells you they suddenly stopped missing you, something’s definitely changed. I think you’re screwed either way.

There are a lot of things that are right with my life, but I think the one thing that’s wrong with it, the biggest thing, is that my life is not a movie. And that I don’t write the scripts. If I did, it would be a fairytale of unicorns and happy endings. At the end of the day, everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone’s not perfect, not even close but you’ll always be perfect to someone’s eyes.

I guess you really can’t have it all, all the time. We all have a dark cloud hanging over our heads. I know it serves a purpose. I know certain darkness is needed to see the stars. But then, I also know those stars are not bright enough to overcome it.

They say our biggest regrets are not for the things we did, but the things we didn’t do. Not for the things we said, but the things we didn’t say. Does this darkness have a name?