Wednesday, 30 July 2014

Of friends & fall outs

Why do people grow apart? Ever had a group of friends at a stage in life, like in school, or in your estate, with someone whom you were so close there was nothing you used to do without one another? And you thought it would be like that for the rest of your lives? But as you got older and people's paths started to diverge you realized it was really just the geography holding you together? That apparently, even the strongest of friendships don't survive silence? And everything else in your life became invariably more important that these friends, so that you only noticed they were no longer around on that odd Saturday morning when you'd woken up a little too early and had nothing to do but stare at the roof and reminisce about the good old times?

As it happens, I fear that may be happening to me in my circles. There are people I literally grew up with; I haven’t spoken to this year. It’s nothing personal really because if we were to bump into each other on the streets, we’d talk and talk about everything we've missed. But that need to look for each other is not there. I have been a little busy lately and I like spending my weekends at home, by myself. So when the girls call for a night out or whatever as long as it involves dressing up and leaving the house, I think twice. Unless it had been planned earlier and I just can’t bail, you know.

Thing is, I have seen a lot of nonsense over the years in friendships and I tend to push people away especially when am not okay. I have a good number of friends that I love, but haven’t talked to in a while. I haven’t seen my best friend in more than a year, (since she went to the states). But we talk enough. She’s my ride or die. Despite the distance, that woman has been there for me in un-imaginable ways. She knows what’s going on in my life every time and she does it so effortlessly, it moves me. The eight years of this friendship have been bumpy, but after every trial, it just keeps getting better.

When someone goes to your wall after five years and writes how it's been forever and how are you doing these days, what are you supposed to answer if that person wasn't just an acquaintance? I usually tell myself if they were really close they wouldn't have to ask that, and then I realize I don't know them that well any more and the whole stones and people living in glass houses thing kicks in, so I just say, "Good, it's been great.  Just school, you know... You?" and she says "Same here," and the countdown begins again for the next five-year interval when we'll check up on each other.

Nothing about the lost grandmother, nothing about the recent burglary that left you at square zero, nothing about the decision to go back to school, nothing about finding a new house and moving in, or the break up that obliterated you for a while, or the new baby... we never actually go into all these specifics.  All that stuff is just supposed to be covered by the single perfunctory line, "I'm good." Which, if you think about it, is true in a way, because I mean, we're alive and healthy, it could always get worse.

I recently met with some old friends. Looking back I could tell the level of association had changed. No one wanted to know serious things about the other. It was just all on the surface.  You want to show interest because it's been a while and you feel you're supposed to, but not enough that we'll actually talk about things that matter; or something that will require input from me, you know. The rest was all just making fun which used to be a thing we did but it seems to be what everyone does best these days. It's safe. And when it's all over we hug goodbye and go under again till the next time we'll run into each other on the streets, probably next year. And later you sit and you ask yourself what new things have I really learned about these people today and you find that you've got nothing. As it happens, you're no longer one another's rocks like you used to be. Everyone went ahead and they moved on. People go through stages and they grow and they change and the world still goes round, so you realize that maybe you should also do the same.

We seem to have gotten this growing apart thing down to such fine art we don't even have to talk about it or synchronize any more, it just happens. And it affects nothing else in our lives.

Monday, 21 July 2014


You want to know what happiness is? It’s waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. You turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state. They breathe as though the weight of the world lays on anyone’s shoulder but their own. You smile, kiss their face in the most gentle manner so as not to wake them. You turn back around and an involuntary grin forms on your own face. You feel an arm wrap around your waist, and you know it doesn't get any better than this.

I wrote this piece two years ago. How blind and naive can a person be? Really? Am not saying this because am angry or at some point hope things turned out differently. But seriously, do you see how disillusioned I was? You see why I said I needed this? Because now I know better. I see things from a different perspective. I know there's more to life than just love. 

Here's what I think, your happiness should not be dependant on your partner. Because happiness comes from within you. You do not need each other to be truly happy, complete or emotionally whole. Truth is, my heart aches from a lost love. I get sad and miserable when I think about it but I am happy. 

Sounds contradictory, I know but let me make you understand. First, I left the relationship for the right reasons. I know I deserve better and he wasn't committed or rather there was no assurance. I wanted it to dawn on him we were in trouble and a few changes needed to be made. The moment he said nothing and left, I knew I made the right decision. I believe if he wanted me, us to work. He would have fought with all he got because that's what you do for someone you love.

Second, I feel like there were too many things between us. There was always something keeping us apart. If its not the sport, then something is going on back at home or a friend did or said something. You feel me? There was a time it was just us. Whenever he had baggage, we would deal with it. Then he started pushing me away. Keeping things from me in the name of "i don't want you to worry about me". I was okay with this until the communication turned from daily random texts and calls to that mandatory text in the evening of how was your day to once in two days "Hey, how are you? " "Good, you?" "Good too" then silence, to goodnight. There was a time he didn't communicate in a week. I know I should have reached out but it felt like he had too much going on, I didn't want to suffocate him. All this time, he was all I could think about. I was worried for the relationship and I prayed for him more than I did for myself.

Third, I know when someone wants to be in your life, they make a deliberate effort to be in it. If you are unhappy and feel like you are doing all the work, something ain't right. Relationships are a two way traffic and everyone should put in work. I felt like I was getting less than I deserve so I left. Leaving was the hardest decision but I know it was the right one. Because if it was a wrong one, he would have fought for me, confronted me to make it right and done those little things that made me feel insecure and insignificant.

Despite all this, I am happy. Happy because I am in good health and my life is right. I am pleased with myself so far and where am heading. I have few incredible friends and my family to help get by. Besides, I know there are a few people out there who would give the world for my happiness. This weekend was the best I had in a while. Nothing special, my brothers were home and I was happy. I laughed my heart out. My mother told me am still very young to lose myself over love. I know she's right but it will take me sometime. But then again, he who loses faith loses everything. So, if it is meant to be, it will be. If not, it is well.

Monday, 14 July 2014

Of love & misery

Has there been one thing you thought you loved with all your heart? Something you thought you couldn’t live without? Something you thought you’d do absolutely anything to keep? Did you keep it? Did it cost you everything to keep it? Was it a person? Did they feel the same way? Did they fight? Was it just you? Was it worth it?

My story’s not over yet, it’s still being written. I should write a book. Yes? Not for sale, just to find closure. Writing my thoughts, emotions, and feelings does it for me. Maybe then, things will be easier. Maybe in the process things may turn around and my misery will turn to bliss. Oh well…

I am emotionally drained. In that I think I have reached the peak of just how unhappy I should be allowed to get this year. Even a new pair of shoes doesn’t help anymore.

Not too long ago. I thought I had someone in my life that defined me. That made me who I was. I don’t know if I still do. Thing is, the limbo is eating me up inside. I’m up at 4am writing this on a weeknight. And, my heart aches. Every time I think about it, I get teary. I keep fighting but I can’t help this feeling.

Sometimes I cry. I cry because I feel I have no control. I feel like the choice isn’t mine. Like everything is in someone else’s hands and I am just an unwilling participant. Like I know what I want but I also know am not going to get it no matter what I do. I cry when am angry. I cry when I sense oppression from forces I can’t control. But even more, I cry because I am a good person stuck in an adverse situation. I feel like I don’t deserve what’s happening to me.

I have always been able to lash out and express myself whenever am dissatisfied with anything. I have been comforting in the thought that, at least I tried. It’s taken me a minute to get here, but I guess these are things that come with love. I’ve recently been through one of those moments, when you wish you never born, or were born under different circumstances, or life took a different direction. In that moment, I feel like there’s more on my shoulders than they can bear.

The worst thing is, I don’t know that I did everything I could to keep them. My heart knows so but my mind keeps wondering. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. I should have probably held on a little longer. But I was drowning. I couldn’t keep up longer. Maybe I gave up for a reason that’s unjustifiable. But when I put it all on the table, nothing changed. Nothing was done to save us. Nothing was said.

I’ve been reliving those moments over and over again. A lot of things could have been done differently. Had he put in just a little effort, I think this could have gone a completely different way. I think we I wouldn’t be here right now. But I think it wouldn’t have been real. I wouldn’t have been complete. In some weird twisted way, I needed this. Now I know not to go all in with something. No matter how beautiful. I need to leave some for myself to go back to when it shutters.

I know relationships are supposed to be work, but exactly how much work is too much work? Anyway, like they say: when you go away for a short time, and you come back, and your person tells you they suddenly stopped missing you, something’s definitely changed. I think you’re screwed either way.

There are a lot of things that are right with my life, but I think the one thing that’s wrong with it, the biggest thing, is that my life is not a movie. And that I don’t write the scripts. If I did, it would be a fairytale of unicorns and happy endings. At the end of the day, everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone’s not perfect, not even close but you’ll always be perfect to someone’s eyes.

I guess you really can’t have it all, all the time. We all have a dark cloud hanging over our heads. I know it serves a purpose. I know certain darkness is needed to see the stars. But then, I also know those stars are not bright enough to overcome it.

They say our biggest regrets are not for the things we did, but the things we didn’t do. Not for the things we said, but the things we didn’t say. Does this darkness have a name?

Thursday, 10 July 2014

Perpetual gratitude

Every not so often, I sit back and reflect on things that matter. Like myself and occasionally, other people who have made an impact in my life and about my God. Today was one of those days. It got me appreciating a great deal of things that God has brought my way. There are a few things I have asked for that haven't come through but I am at a happy place with what I have. So here are a few thoughts and things that i have unending gratitude towards.

1. My family
Being the only girl in an all boy family (not that they can make a football team) comes with various boons. They know all the good food in all the good places. They have cute friends that you can stare at when you are feeling blue. They always come through for you whenever you need them. They are just a call away when you need to laugh and vent, or just talk. It is the forever kind of love. My brothers are my people. 
Let me tell you a little something about my Father. First, he is the best dad I could ever have. He’s the epitome of cool, calm and collected, very easy going and never fussy about stuff. Second, he speaks his mind and doesn't sugar coat anything he says, which now makes him the most genuine person I know.
My mother, (God bless her beautiful soul) is the most loving & caring person I know. Maybe its the nature of all mothers but this woman is the best thing that has happened to me.
My parents are very open minded. They have grown with us in all ways especially our thinking and changes in today's culture. This makes them very accommodating and easy to talk to. Their age and experience assures me they are always right. 

2. My friends
You know how tricky this friendship business is since not everyone has your best interest at heart. But then again, try having no friends and you will appreciate the value of the dysfunctional relationships you have. 
There are people out there who know the color of my tears, have seen me drool in my sleep, probably heard me fart, continued to love me when my hair was a hot mess (like now), listen to me whimper and laughed at my very dry jokes.
Then there are those who make fun of me, know my weaknesses and tag at them until they become strengths, get my foolishness and appreciate my blondness. I may not talk to them everyday, but when I do, its the best day. 

3. My God 
Give credit where it's due and the Lord is really where all credit in my life is due. I have stopped worrying about things too much. He taught me that. I sometimes get worried I'll miss the bus to work in the morning, then I whisper a small, hurried but very scared prayer and he comes through. Or I think my cash won't make it through the month (because I buy almost everything and anything), then something out of my good deeds pays back (good begets good people!). 
There are those days that things just fall into place and I know It was him. There are those that I totally give up but my faith keeps hoping and believing.
There are a lot of big prayers I have said too over the years, that have been answered gradually.
Then I started thanking him for the answered prayers and for the smaller things that I may have taken for granted. It's amazing how great he is. This little things  give me enough happiness and so much gratitude.

4. Myself
It has been quite a journey of self growth and lessons but I appreciate who I have become, how far I have come. You know when people say "You are stronger than you think"? It helps to believe them. I did not know how much I was capable of doing, of taking, of feeling. 
It has taken me a journey to get to where I am, and I am glad I held on...although barely. 
I am glad I can look back and appreciate myself for who I am. I don't ask too much of myself any more. I appreciate my limits and I also know when to challenge them. I sleep when I need to, I shut up when I'm required to. I am proud of who I am and I know good things await me.

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

The year so far

The other day, my brother asked me "Njesh, this has been your best holiday right?" 
Truth is, it has been a great couple of months where everything has been great. I wouldn't exactly call it a holiday but brother, it has been fine! 
I got internship at this organization and after the first day I had already told my dad that I wouldn't dream of working there because the rules were too many and being in the HR department makes it even harder not to abide by not forgetting the supervisor who made the whole thing look like a nightmare. 
After two weeks I was home. This people took me and made me one of their own. I got comfortable working here and they never made me feel like I do not belong. Ave even been wondering what happens after the three months. Of course there is this lady that I have grown to love so we'll definitely keep in touch but really? That's it? They all going to be people I used to know? But who knows, they may be really useful when I venture into the job market.
Working here has been a real first hand experience. I have had the privilege to attend meetings with big people and address key issues facing employees and the organization, I have done long listing and shortlisting of new hires, I have been present in interviews and have learnt a whole lot on interviews that should be a great help for me when I get there. The work load is humongous as there is always something to do but now more than ever I am convinced that HR is my line.
I have made new friends, I was surprised too at how fast I can blend in a new environment. I have been interacting with the older folks mainly and they have shared their wisdom with me. There is this lady who looks so young, like in her late twenties but she is actually in her early forties with two kids. It has been a give and take relationship as we talk a lot and share our life experiences together. She is a very warm person and I tell her that when I grow up I'd like to follow in her steps. She seems to have it all figured out you know.. In terms of career, family, faith, fashion.. She says she sees herself in me twenty years ago. Probably why we get along so well :-D
The best part is I don't use the allowance I get as the company bus picks and drops me off and my dad gives me lunch money :-) cool right?
Yes, am saving up for days when I'll actually need the money like next year; after school. I have heard enough tales of how life after school is different and dry so am working really hard not to share the cliche too. 
Of course things haven't been exactly perfect. There have been a few rocks on my path especially because I am an emotional junkie but I prefer to look at the positive side of things and what life has to offer. Besides, I know that God is always looking out for me. Things may not exactly go as we plan but I believe God's way is best and whatever we go through, it is meant to make us better in the long run. There are days that I get really weary but going home to my parents and brothers (sometimes) makes it worthwhile.