Monday, 14 July 2014

Of love & misery

Has there been one thing you thought you loved with all your heart? Something you thought you couldn’t live without? Something you thought you’d do absolutely anything to keep? Did you keep it? Did it cost you everything to keep it? Was it a person? Did they feel the same way? Did they fight? Was it just you? Was it worth it?

My story’s not over yet, it’s still being written. I should write a book. Yes? Not for sale, just to find closure. Writing my thoughts, emotions, and feelings does it for me. Maybe then, things will be easier. Maybe in the process things may turn around and my misery will turn to bliss. Oh well…

I am emotionally drained. In that I think I have reached the peak of just how unhappy I should be allowed to get this year. Even a new pair of shoes doesn’t help anymore.

Not too long ago. I thought I had someone in my life that defined me. That made me who I was. I don’t know if I still do. Thing is, the limbo is eating me up inside. I’m up at 4am writing this on a weeknight. And, my heart aches. Every time I think about it, I get teary. I keep fighting but I can’t help this feeling.

Sometimes I cry. I cry because I feel I have no control. I feel like the choice isn’t mine. Like everything is in someone else’s hands and I am just an unwilling participant. Like I know what I want but I also know am not going to get it no matter what I do. I cry when am angry. I cry when I sense oppression from forces I can’t control. But even more, I cry because I am a good person stuck in an adverse situation. I feel like I don’t deserve what’s happening to me.

I have always been able to lash out and express myself whenever am dissatisfied with anything. I have been comforting in the thought that, at least I tried. It’s taken me a minute to get here, but I guess these are things that come with love. I’ve recently been through one of those moments, when you wish you never born, or were born under different circumstances, or life took a different direction. In that moment, I feel like there’s more on my shoulders than they can bear.

The worst thing is, I don’t know that I did everything I could to keep them. My heart knows so but my mind keeps wondering. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. I should have probably held on a little longer. But I was drowning. I couldn’t keep up longer. Maybe I gave up for a reason that’s unjustifiable. But when I put it all on the table, nothing changed. Nothing was done to save us. Nothing was said.

I’ve been reliving those moments over and over again. A lot of things could have been done differently. Had he put in just a little effort, I think this could have gone a completely different way. I think we I wouldn’t be here right now. But I think it wouldn’t have been real. I wouldn’t have been complete. In some weird twisted way, I needed this. Now I know not to go all in with something. No matter how beautiful. I need to leave some for myself to go back to when it shutters.

I know relationships are supposed to be work, but exactly how much work is too much work? Anyway, like they say: when you go away for a short time, and you come back, and your person tells you they suddenly stopped missing you, something’s definitely changed. I think you’re screwed either way.

There are a lot of things that are right with my life, but I think the one thing that’s wrong with it, the biggest thing, is that my life is not a movie. And that I don’t write the scripts. If I did, it would be a fairytale of unicorns and happy endings. At the end of the day, everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone’s not perfect, not even close but you’ll always be perfect to someone’s eyes.

I guess you really can’t have it all, all the time. We all have a dark cloud hanging over our heads. I know it serves a purpose. I know certain darkness is needed to see the stars. But then, I also know those stars are not bright enough to overcome it.

They say our biggest regrets are not for the things we did, but the things we didn’t do. Not for the things we said, but the things we didn’t say. Does this darkness have a name?

4 comments:

  1. you should actually write a book, just saying.

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    1. Hehehe, thank you. Funny thing is am actually considering it. But that will be too much..

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