You want to know what happiness is? It’s waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. You turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state. They breathe as though the weight of the world lays on anyone’s shoulder but their own. You smile, kiss their face in the most gentle manner so as not to wake them. You turn back around and an involuntary grin forms on your own face. You feel an arm wrap around your waist, and you know it doesn't get any better than this.
I wrote this piece two years ago. How blind and naive can a person be? Really? Am not saying this because am angry or at some point hope things turned out differently. But seriously, do you see how disillusioned I was? You see why I said I needed this? Because now I know better. I see things from a different perspective. I know there's more to life than just love.
Here's what I think, your happiness should not be dependant on your partner. Because happiness comes from within you. You do not need each other to be truly happy, complete or emotionally whole. Truth is, my heart aches from a lost love. I get sad and miserable when I think about it but I am happy.
Sounds contradictory, I know but let me make you understand. First, I left the relationship for the right reasons. I know I deserve better and he wasn't committed or rather there was no assurance. I wanted it to dawn on him we were in trouble and a few changes needed to be made. The moment he said nothing and left, I knew I made the right decision. I believe if he wanted me, us to work. He would have fought with all he got because that's what you do for someone you love.
Second, I feel like there were too many things between us. There was always something keeping us apart. If its not the sport, then something is going on back at home or a friend did or said something. You feel me? There was a time it was just us. Whenever he had baggage, we would deal with it. Then he started pushing me away. Keeping things from me in the name of "i don't want you to worry about me". I was okay with this until the communication turned from daily random texts and calls to that mandatory text in the evening of how was your day to once in two days "Hey, how are you? " "Good, you?" "Good too" then silence, to goodnight. There was a time he didn't communicate in a week. I know I should have reached out but it felt like he had too much going on, I didn't want to suffocate him. All this time, he was all I could think about. I was worried for the relationship and I prayed for him more than I did for myself.
Third, I know when someone wants to be in your life, they make a deliberate effort to be in it. If you are unhappy and feel like you are doing all the work, something ain't right. Relationships are a two way traffic and everyone should put in work. I felt like I was getting less than I deserve so I left. Leaving was the hardest decision but I know it was the right one. Because if it was a wrong one, he would have fought for me, confronted me to make it right and done those little things that made me feel insecure and insignificant.
Despite all this, I am happy. Happy because I am in good health and my life is right. I am pleased with myself so far and where am heading. I have few incredible friends and my family to help get by. Besides, I know there are a few people out there who would give the world for my happiness. This weekend was the best I had in a while. Nothing special, my brothers were home and I was happy. I laughed my heart out. My mother told me am still very young to lose myself over love. I know she's right but it will take me sometime. But then again, he who loses faith loses everything. So, if it is meant to be, it will be. If not, it is well.